By Jack Hazlewood
“This is a day I’ve been looking forward to for years” began Tim Cook, Apple CEO, in front of a packed audience at the Great Hall of the People in Beijing.
“At Apple, we aren’t just producing innovative, truly unique products. We are pursuing truly revolutionary ideas”
“So when we were approached by the Chinese government to resurrect Chairman Mao’s body in celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Great Proletariat Cultural revolution, we just couldn’t say no”
“Our very own Dr Frankenstein, Li Peng, set up his laboratory in Mao’s mausoleum and I’m very proud to announce to you today that we are able to welcome the man himself, Zombie Chairman Mao”
“Mr Li complained many times to me about how difficult the process was. Of course, one of the first things we needed to do was to conclusively establish the cause of death. The official story about several heart attacks, culminating in death yada yada–I think we knew all along that was rubbish. As if Chairman Mao had a heart.”
“As always here at Apple, we were keen to improve on the previous model. Deng Xiaoping said that the original Mao was 70% good, 30% bad. We’re proud to announce that the new version is now 90% good.”
“There’ve been major improvements made in so many areas, chief amongst which is he’s much better looking”
“He might still be an ugly bastard, but cut us some slack, guys. Look what we had to start off with – His face to good looks isn’t exactly what Da Vinci is to art.”
Rumour has it Mark Zuckerberg offered to perform the final stage of the process, which involved giving the kiss of life to the body. Zuckerberg’s motivation for performing the act was to ask the zombie Chairman to name his new-born child, after previously being turned down by President Xi Jinping. He is said to be delighted by the response of the Chairman, which was “call it Mao Zedong”.
The resurrection follows on from the widely reported concert which took place in the Great Hall of the People last week, in which controversial ‘red songs’ from the Cultural Revolution era were sung alongside some pop hits. Footage from the concert can be found below.
But the whole ceremony was thrown into chaos as what at first appeared to be North Korean dictator, Marshal Kim Jong Un walked onstage proclaiming he was Chairman Mao, and that the zombie was an imposter. Mr Kim then performed a metamorphosis into Mao himself, before going on to say:
“Oh come on guys! How didn’t you guess?!? Short, fat, Asian despot with a penchant for pissing off America and screwing over the entire country? I even wore the same outfit for crying out loud!
After the furore, the Chairman announced the launch of his new stand up comedy show, ‘hammer and tickle’.
“How do you get rats out of Zhongnanai? Put up a sign saying ‘collective farm’. Half the rats’ll run away, the rest will starve”.
“Life in China will once again return to being like a journey on a bus. One guy, me of course, will drive, while everyone else shakes.”
“Oh, and remember kids, starting a revolution can be dangerous!.”
And with that, I leave you with the Great Helmsman’s plan for Hong Kong…